(THEME SONG PLAYING)
So, honey, how was your day?
Oh, just great, dear.
Mmm. Are the kids tucked in?
All tucked in.
Mommy and Daddy can have some together time.
Ooh!
Well, when was the last time we had a moment alone?
Certainly before the kids came.
Yeah. Life was better then.
Honey, I hate the kids.
We're still hungry.
Spaghetti!
Don't you guys have any baked goods or frozen treats?
Uh, guys, you are our closest friends,
but we are sick and tired of you.
Please get out and don't ever come back.
(LAUGHING) They crack me up, these two.
Cory, maybe we should go back to our... Hole?
Our... Our... Dump? Sewer?
Look, we'd love to hang out with you guys forever,
but right now, you're on this new marriage thing
and we're on this new living-together thing.
Yeah. So it's like you're a couple and we're a couple,
and we're exactly the same except that...
You're married and we're happy.
So get out.
We're serious.
We understand.
We really do.
We'd never want to impose on your little life of sin.
You make me sick!
Sluts.
We're just gonna go and hang out with our other friends.
Yeah! You think you're our only friends in the world?
Well, you're not!
Because we are a beloved couple!
You got other friends? No. You?
No. Why'd we do that? I don't know.
Well, what are we gonna do now? I don't know.
(WHISPERING)
Angela, I have never seen you so happy.
Oh, that's because I haven't been.
That's why I'm not gonna get in the way of you and Shawn.
So I'm gonna move out.
Why? You're not in the way.
No, I know I'm not, but I got this offer
to be a resident advisor at Brittany Hall,
and I thought it might be fun.
Oh, Rachel, you don't have to move out.
It's not like me and Shawn are a family. (DOG BARKS)
(LAUGHING) Look, honey. I got us a baby!
Oh, big dog! Big dog! He's so cute!
Yeah. Now it's like we got our own family.
I'm gonna be an RA.
Good for you.
(DOG BARKS) And the dog's decided to go to the park.
Pretty girl. Pretty girl!
Uh, who's in charge here?
You are. Now do things to me.
Hi. Uh, Jack Hunter, manager of the Student Union.
Everything you see here, I manage it,
because I'm Jack Hunter...
Bed-wetter.
You can tell her, Jack. She's gonna find out anyway.
And who might you be, pretty lady?
I'm your new boss.
Name? Name, name. Name?
Name.
Name is Bridget Murphy.
Murphy?
Like the bed? Vomit!
If I may be so bold,
how did somebody as
(STAMMERING INCOHERENTLY)
as you get to be the manager of our Student Union?
Oh, I know a guy.
Mmm. What guy?
Well, some would like to call him
the chancellor of this university.
I, however, like to call him daddy.
I like to call him daddy, too.
Her father is Chancellor Murphy.
(LAUGHS) That's right, boys. Nepotism rears its ugly head.
Nepotism! It's nepotism!
You have no idea what that means. Why should I?
Well, then let me explain it to you.
I own you.
I can do anything I want with you,
and I probably will because
I'm a spoiled little brat who always gets her way.
So far, I don't hear anything I don't like.
Good. Go clean the toilets.
Thank you. (GIGGLING)
You know, I understand
that it must be somewhat embarrassing for you,
having once held this position.
No, I'm okay.
What, uh, would be embarrassing, though,
is if I let some obviously spoiled
and surgically-augmented little daddy's girl
ruffle my feathers.
Are you gonna kiss me now?
I'm gonna kiss you never.
Do you think I don't understand good looks and a rich daddy?
Yeah, you and I are cut from the same velvet cloth, Miss Bridget.
So I know how to protect myself from you.
And I know how to protect my friends, too.
Toilets are clean, boss. Oh, hey, look.
I'm a Teletubby.
He's not my friend.
Not the purple one, though.
Hoo! Hoo! (LAUGHING)
Behold! Our future, okay?
Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen,
and some kind of nook!
Why would you take us here?
Why would you take us to this house which we could never afford?
If we could afford it, do you like it?
We can't afford it.
Don't do that, okay? Because you're becoming like a negative little missy.
Cory, it is just cruel to take a person
who is this close to losing it, this close!
And taunt her with this cute, little, adorable house
which she'll never, ever live in!
So, you like the house?
I love this house! Why would you do this to me?
(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Hello!
You must be my happy, happy newlyweds!
Are you the real estate agent?
(LAUGHING) Why, yes, I am. Whee!
Edith Stevens, at your service.
Oh, how much do you love
this breathtaking starter cottage with nook?
I'm reporting you to the Better Business Bureau immediately.
Oh! Why, whatever for, my dear? This man is a dope.
You knew that after three minutes of talking with him,
and then you led him to believe we could afford this house
when the truth is he can barely afford a sandwich.
(CHUCKLING)
My dear Mrs. Matthews,
it is my joy
to place young couples in cozy surroundings such as these,
and, like most other couples, you think, "I can't afford it."
(CHUCKLES)
But you can!
How?
How can we afford an $80,000 house?
Very simple. Over 30 years.
I've already explained it to your husband.
I told you not to talk to him.
She can talk to me. Yeah, I can talk to him.
(LAUGHING)
Remember, just a trifle down payment
and a pittance of a mortgage
and two living parents with a pen who can sign.
You guys are gonna be so proud of us
because I went into the world, I did my homework,
and I made it happen.
I made it happen.
What'd you do?
No, it's good. Really, it's good.
I didn't think it was good at first, but it is.
Show them, honey.
All we need are your two signatures,
and we will have our very own dream home. With nook!
Okay, as soon as you sign this,
we are completely on our own.
What is this?
Well, it's a loan application for an $80,000 house, Amy.
I don't like when you call him "idiot," Alan.
I didn't call him anything.
Oh, I guess I must have thought it in my head.
(STAMMERING) What's going on here?
What's going on here is you want us
to sign your $80,000 mortgage
so that when you don't pay it... We're gonna pay it.
...they can come and take our house.
Is that what you want me to sign, Cory?
Do you realize how ridiculous you are?
Why? Why is that ridiculous?
Because you can't buy a house before you have a job!
You get a job, you save for a down payment,
then you buy the house!
No. No, Dad. Because you know
it's gonna take us forever to raise that kind of money.
Dad? I'm calling you Dad.
I heard that.
The house that we're in right now is very bad.
We would have invited you there except it's very bad.
I'm sorry, Topanga. I'm sorry that it's very bad.
Look, we know this isn't easy for you.
Look, we're dying in that place!
All right? Why do you keep shutting us down?
Cory, my son, whom I love,
figure it out.
You think I'm gonna figure out what kind of father
wants his kids to have a bad time?
I'm never gonna figure that out. Never!
I don't even know why we came here.
I don't understand this either.
I hate this, Alan.
I know.
It's nice.
Liar!
Well, when you said, "stink hole,"
I really didn't think it was a stink hole, but it is.
It is a stink hole, isn't it? Oh...
I think this place has possibilities.
What possibilities? Grease fire? Wrecking ball?
Or the place just falls apart on its own
because it knows it should?
Cory, come on. This is exactly the type of place
we always said we wanted to live in, right?
I'm married now.
Oh, hey! If you two want to live here, you can go right ahead.
Come on. You could...
You could put a nice little bookshelf in right here.
Yeah, or get that romantic photograph
of the French couple kissing by the lamppost.
No, guys, guys, we're not gonna fix this place up, okay?
It's not like we're gonna live here.
Where are you gonna live?
Oh, we found this great little starter house with a nook.
I don't get it.
What's to get?
We hate this house, and I'm gonna get us into that other house
with or without my cheapskate dad.
Cory, you got a great place to start right here.
Why don't you slow down for a second
and take a look around you?
You know, this is your place, man.
Fix it up.
Have an imagination.
You have an imagination.
Okay, look what we got here, Shawn.
Imagine this is the water you drink.
Look at this.
Okay? Look at that.
Go ahead. Drink the mud.
Cory, imagine you have some pride in the place and fix the rusty pipes!
You want to live in a nice place, you're gonna have to work at it,
and then, someday,
maybe you'll be lying next to each other on the floor
with the sun streaming in the window,
drinking coffee and reading the newspaper.
Well, you know, that's easy for you to say,
Mr. I Live With My Girlfriend
In A Great Apartment That I Lucked Into.
And you know what? You guys aren't even married!
How fair is that?
I don't know.
Thanks for having us.
We had a very nice time.
Liar!
ERIC: I can't keep my eyes off her tushie.
You must. Don't let that tushie control you.
Bad tushie. Evil.
I want it. She knows you want it.
She knows you'd be her pathetic little love slave.
(WHISPERING) Did she say that?
She's a sadist, Eric.
And she's looking for a masochist.
Did she say that?
No!
Here's what she'll say,
she'll say, "Clean the toilets,
"ground the espresso, count the cups."
And then here's what you'll say,
you'll say, "I will get to it when I am good and ready,
"so shut your cake hole, Irene."
Her name is Bridget, and I wrote her this poem.
"Bridget, you make me fidget."
Hello, pretty boys.
So, have you, um, cleaned the toilets,
ground the espresso, counted the cups?
I will get to it when I am good and ready,
so shut your cake hole, Irene.
How about you, bonehead?
Cake hole.
Well?
Jack thinks you're a bad girl
and I'll fall prey to your tushie.
But I think you're a sweet little farm girl
who likes to hold hands on the porch.
Take my shoe off and suck my third toe.
By the way, Jack, you're fired.
ERIC: And I'm in a brand-new, healthy relationship.
"You have to have an imagination, Cory."
That's easy for Shawn to say.
He's in that cushy apartment, living the good life,
eating bonbons!
Maybe a bookshelf would look cute over there.
No. You know where a bookshelf would look good, Topanga?
In the nook!
Cory? What?
We are not gonna have a nook right now.
We're not?
No.
So, we live here now.
Yeah.
(EXHALES) What if I built us a nook?
There isn't any room.
Well, what if I fixed the sink?
Do you know how to fix a sink?
No. You never thought you'd ever have to fix a sink, did you?
No.
What if I helped? (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
You know how to fix a sink?
No.
So neither one of us knows how to fix a sink.
Together.
Okay.
All right. Now, before I go under there, I gotta tell you,
whatever you do, it's very important
that you remember that you do not
turn on the water!
Oh, sorry! Did something bad happen?
You tell me!
Cory, I am so sorry.
Okay, you gotta hug me.
No!
Hug me!
No! Get away from me, Swamp Thing! (LAUGHING)
Swamp Thing wants the booty! (EXCLAIMS)
It's after me! I must warn the village!
No, no, I'm taking you back to the swamp to do things!
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Aw, wouldn't you know it?
Swamp Thing very frustrated.
(CORY SIGHS)
(CRYING) She won't go to sleep.
She hasn't slept in three weeks, and neither have I.
Can I just lean against your wall?
Cory, Kelly and the baby are here.
Yeah, you guys got a 5/8 crescent wrench?
Oh, you figured out how to fix it?
No, I just want to hit myself over the head.
(LAUGHS) I'm sorry. Was I interrupting something?
Well, we were playing a nice little game of Swamp Thing.
Oh, Swamp Thing. Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHS) I remember playing Swamp Thing with my husband.
You know what you get at the end of the game?
What's that? (BABY CRYING)
Hello!
I don't want to play anymore.
Well, why don't Cory and I watch the baby and you can go see a movie?
Oh, no, I could never do that.
Why? You deserve some time to yourself,
and Cory and I have everything under control. Right, honey?
Uh, there's something staring at me in here.
Go see a movie.
Really?
It's licking me!
I'm a really good babysitter, I promise.
Could I sleep for an hour instead?
Sleep as long as you need, darling.
Okay. She just ate, so you might need to burp her,
and if she gets fussy, she likes Itsy Bitsy Spider the best.
Okay, go to sleep. Okay.
(CRYING) (SHUSHING)
Yeah.
Thank you.
(SIGHS)
You're a good neighbor.
I'm glad you're here.
Thanks.
Okay.
Hey.
(SINGING ITSY BITSY SPIDER)
How's that waterspout, sport?
Well, I don't know how the water spout is, but the itsy bitsy spider
just laid about five million eggs up my nose.
You fix it yet, Mr. Plumber?
Oh, how could I have fixed it?
How could anybody do anything good around here?
Oh, my gosh. Look.
Topanga, look at this! It's clear!
We have clear water!
And you fixed it!
I fixed it!
I fixed... We did it!
We did this! I feel incredible!
What a great day for me.
Isn't that incredible?
Cory, look. She went to sleep.
She went to sleep for me.
She's comfortable here.
Well, here we are. (SIGHS)
Mmm-hmm.
Lying on the floor, reading the newspaper together and drinking coffee.
It's perfect.
It's what I've always wanted.
You happy?
I'm as happy as I'm gonna get.
What does that mean?
We don't deserve this, Angela, not yet.
This came easy for us. We didn't work at it.
It's easy to be happy about all of this,
but what if we were on our own
and other people weren't helping us pay the rent?
You're jealous of Cory and Topanga.
You're jealous of their stink hole.
I haven't had a lot of good things in my life that really belonged to me,
so when they come along,
I want to do my best to protect them and hold on to them.
I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to this relationship.
You're such a sap.
Why can't you just be happy?
Because this is not real.
I mean, it's not like Cory and Topanga.
You and I, we're just playing house.
You want what Cory and Topanga have?
Do you want to get married?
(CHUCKLES) Are you proposing?
I'm just asking.
Not yet. Not yet.
(BOTH LAUGH)
But someday,
if and when we do,
I promise,
we'll have a stink hole just like Cory and Topanga.
You promise? Yeah.
(SIGHING) Ooh, I'm looking forward to it.
Me, too.
Who's gonna break it to him?
Drink this, you no-signing, no-money-giving-us,
no-letting-us- stay-in-your-house little wisp of a man.
Drink it!
Is it poison?
It was before Cory fixed it.
You fixed pipes?
He fixed pipes, dear.
While I was playing with the baby.
They had a baby, dear.
You know, I was gonna call you to come over
and help me fix the pipes, but I didn't.
You wanna know why? 'Cause I didn't think you'd help me.
Would you have helped me?
No. Well, I knew it.
Well, we fixed the pipes ourselves.
And how do you feel about that?
Proud. Very proud of us, okay?
Topanga and I are gonna paint our place,
we're gonna put up a bookshelf, and someday, when we can afford it,
we are gonna buy that house with a nook.
Without your help.
Now what do you have to say to that?
I'd say you finally figured it out.
Welcome to being an adult.
(ALAN LAUGHS)
When your mother and I got married, we had nothing.
Nobody would help us. We did fine.
We didn't know it then,
but it was the sweetest time in our lives.
We bonded together forever.
We fell completely in love because we knew
we made a life for ourselves
with nobody's help but our own.
Yeah.
I would never take that away from you, Son.
(CHUCKLING)
I'm sorry, Dad. (GRUNTS APPROVINGLY)
Thanks, Dad. I'm calling you Dad.
I heard that.
(CHUCKLING)
So, basically what you're telling me is that your butt is out on the street?
Well, Shawn, Jack, and Eric are gonna take over the apartment
because there's three bedrooms and that's what makes sense, and...
But your butt's out on the street.
Right.
But if you talk to my last roommate,
I bet she'll give you some good references.
You know what? I know her,
and she is a really beautiful woman.
Well, that she is.
And she would love to have you as her roommate.
Really?
Yeah.
Ooh!
But who gets the dog?
Oh, Bridget.
Your breath's so warm.
(PANTING)
So, should we wake him up?
No.
Actually, they make kind of a cute couple.
Bridget, I got two words for you.
Tic Tac.